An Open Letter to Men Who Love to Smash That Pussy
Enlighted Gentlemen, thank you for joining me! Pull up a comfy chair and a snuggly blanket and grab a delicious, fruity drink (because fuck #toxicmasculinity). In a moment’s time I’ll be morphing into a bobcat in heat but know that above all else, I appreciate you and your time. To begin, I have a few questions for you.
First, an easy yes/no/sometimes: Do you love pussy?
If yes/sometimes, proceed to the follow-up questions. (There is no judgment here—hooray for loving pussy! In fact, just go ahead and check your defensiveness at the door.)
Have you ever had sex with a girlfriend who you didn’t want to get pregnant at that exact moment in time? (Perhaps she was finishing school, had career aspirations, or was dealing with health issues.) Have you ever had sex before you were ready to be a dad, for whatever reason (all of which are totally valid)?
Did you/do you like hunting for babes at bars with your bros? Have you ever hit on women with the sole intention of—be honest—getting in her pants? Have you ever had sex with a Tinder date, just because you were feeling horny? Have you ever sent a desperate late-night sext that actually landed you a trip to the Cave of Wonders?
Have you ever gotten so drunk that you had sex with a chick, without a condom? Have you ever had sex with a chick without a condom, simply because you didn’t want to use a condom?
Do you like doing kinky-ass shit with the dom babe who lives in the apartment downstairs? The one with those big ol’ titties who hog-ties you to the ceiling and flogs you while calling you a “useless worm?”
Boy, do I got news for you!! It is not by your good fortune that these scenarios didn’t end in pregnancy.
Maybe you’ve never really thought about it, but if it wasn’t for easily-accessed birth control and abortions, a lot of you would be daddies many times over. So, if you are pleased with your current childless state or your previously planned pregnancy or pregnancies, here’s another question for ya: HOWS ABOUT GETTIN’ IN THERE AND SUPPORTIN’ WOMEN’S HEALTH AND REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS!!??
That’s right, if you like to get twelve shades of nasty with that pusspuss, then support women’s FREE access to birth control and easy access to abortion, for fuck(ing)’s sake!! And in more ways than exist only within your head. Don’t limit your support to the occasional righteous promulgation, but act in legitimate legislative and financial capacities, such as voting for pro-choice candidates, candidates that support universal health care, and donating to Planned Parenthood. Just like thinking about using a condom does not prevent pregnancy, merely thinking that women should have easy and free access to birth control “in theory” won’t help women in any way, whatsoever.
I was looking at a picture of a Planned Parenthood rally in Sacramento, California, and was struck by one shitty, glaring detail. In fact, it’s why I decided to write this blog post, about a year ago (but have been too afraid to publish, because women like me get #deaththreats for writing uncomfy truths on the internet). There was something missing in these photos: Men. There were, like, zero dudes. This is crazy to me. We all love to get freaky, so why aren’t we all fighting for the opportunity to do so, safely? Why are women stuck doing the emotional labor for something that so deeply affects us all?? Women get abortions because men don’t want to be dads all of the fucking time; so then, why are women the only ones that are fighting for a baby-daddy’s right to explore that option with his partner?
With a Supreme Court spot likely headed to a person with a miserable track record on a woman’s right to reproductive care, women around the country have been launched into a mental tailspin about the possibility of Roe v. Wade (and Casey v. Planned Parenthood) being overturned. The fate of women of every persuasion is hinging on the decisions of senators who will likely vote down party lines, but especially poor and vulnerable women in red states who can’t afford to travel to get abortions and who may utilize deadly methods of pregnancy termination. (Even though a berserk 71% of the population actually agree on something for once and believe that Roe v. Wade should not be overturned.) If overturned, each state will become grounds for its own protracted, tit-for-tat battle for women’s health. Some early estimates show that as many as thirty (!!!) states could end up without reasonable access to abortion.
Even if Roe v. Wade does not come under siege ~~a gAL cAn DrEam~~ women are engaged in a constant fight to access affordable birth control and women’s health screenings. How the hell can we live in a modern and wealthy country and have so many women without access to these basic needs? I’ll tell you why: Because women will not win this fight alone. As much as we’ve tried (and we’ve done good), let’s be real: Ain’t shit get done around here without men, at least politically. Enlightened Men’s utter apathy on the matter has chained and drowned any real chance we’ve had at helping all women, and especially vulnerable women, because men on the anti-women’s bodily autonomy side of the issue are dogged and diabolical.
Can you imagine how much more progress we could make if y’all got loud?
Personally, I’ve had sex with plenty of men (#no #fucking #shame) that I did not wish to impregnate me—including men for whom I was in safe, monogamous relationships. I’m sure the feeling was mutual, and they didn’t want me as the mother to their child either! I can hardly keep myself from throwing away critical pieces of mail, let alone be responsible for some helpless alien I expel from my cooter. Hell, maybe you, dear reader, are one of these men! (Hi! Miss you! Call me?) Um, do you/did you want me to be the mother of your child? Yeah, didn’t think so. So, join me in the fight?
Dudes, y’all have been enjoying the benefits of our “controlled” reproductive organs for some time now. I realize that some readers might have a religious opposition to birth control and/or abortion, and I’m not talking to you. I cannot force anyone to change their opinion on the matter so I won’t try. (I’ve got a wizard sleeve, yes, but I can’t do magic!! Hallllo) Instead, I am talking to the millions and millions more men who date and have had sex with women fo’ funsies. I am talking to the millions and millions of men who assume that the situation is “all sorted.” I’m talking to the men that, with the go-ahead nod, would gladly rip off the condom so fast he’d get a latex burn on his dick.
Imagine this: A world where the desire to NOT use a condom is perfectly correlated with how much you fight for women to have easy access to birth control. Droves of men are compelled to fund, install, and maintain their own vending machines exploding with birth control pills, patches, the ring, and Plan B!! Alas, my fantasy-land is an unrealistic utopia; here in zee “real world,” many men are perfectly happy with women doing the work to make sure they don’t end up with a baby. And frankly, a whole lotta men are okay with women doing all the work to raise the baby if it does happen. (If you “not all men” me, OOOOOEEEE you.are.missing.the.point. Nearly 1 in 4 children in the U.S. is raised by a single mother.)
Friend, take a minute to wrap your head around the sheer amount of work that goes on behind the (meat) curtain(s) to make sure that women have YOU covered. There are appointments, prescriptions, failed birth control methods, and gnarly side effects. There are missed periods and pregnancy tests. There are tears and secrets and judgment and harassment and relentless double standards for women who become pregnant and the men that impregnate them: Men are players, women are sluts. Women who want to focus on their careers instead of children are heartless, but childless men are brave knights fending for the fate of the free world. Men are just acting out their evolutionarily-driven biological imperatives, etc etc etc.
This can’t-win battle is worse for poor women. Says Lisa Tirado in her piece, This Is Why Poor People’s Decisions Make Perfect Sense, “We’re aware that we are not ‘having kids,’ we’re ‘breeding.’ We have kids for much the same reasons that I imagine rich people do. Urge to propagate and all. Nobody likes poor people procreating, but they judge abortion even harder.”
Think of your friends who are women. How many do you have? Five? Ten? Fifty? Did you know that 1 in 4 of those women has had an abortion? Yes, women you know and cherish. “It couldn’t be!!” You mutter to yourself. If you think that statistic doesn’t apply to your group of friends and family, get real. It’s not that women in your inner circle aren’t having abortions, it’s that they aren’t talking to you about their abortions, because men, overall, have done a piss-poor job supporting women when it comes to their reproductive choices. Men consistently turn a blind eye to this aspect of life, perma-leaning into the mantra, “ignorance is bliss.” (Still can’t get behind abortion? Fine, but in the words of my dear misandrist sisters over at Bitches Get Riches, you better “go stand on your balcony and toss free birth control pills into the streets like mardi gras beads. Because the best way to prevent abortions is through comprehensive sex education and free contraception.”)
If you have previously thought, “not my problem,” I have some news for you: It will be your problem if the next lady you pre-cum in gets knocked up because she couldn’t access a doctor, clinic, or birth control. It will be your problem when you’re getting LESS nookie than you already do if that’s even possible. Which means that your choices are: 1. Get involved or 2. Jerk off into a dirty sock for the rest of eternity. Your call!!!!!!!
As Cecile Richards, the now ex-CEO of Planned Parenthood, said, “If there were more members of Congress who could get pregnant, we wouldn’t be arguing about birth control.” Or as Julia Louis-Dreyfus’s character, Senator Selina Meyer, says on Veep, “If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.” For now, we don’t have the luxury of having more uteri in Congress (or in the Oval Office, for that matter). We’re working on it—and you can help. Voting for members of Congress who support women’s reproductive rights is, without a doubt, the most important thing you can do.
VOTE IN YOUR MIDTERMS!!
Some more ideas?
Be honest with yourself and others if your partner has had an abortion. The hypocrisy of some men when it comes to abortion is truly outstanding. If you’re brave and your partner consents, be vocal about it.
Use your 20% larger salary to donate some money to organizations fighting for women, such as Planned Parenthood, NARAL Pro-Choice America, and local clinics and organizations.
Fight for and use your paid paternity leave and encourage other men at your office to do the same. Not sure why taking paternity leave is important? This is a really helpful read.
Call your senators and representatives, especially if you’re in a red state. They have local numbers, but if you can’t find or access their numbers, the general switchboard number is (202) 224-3121. (Data collected by Daily Action showed that women make 86% of “resistance” calls into Congress. That’s sucky. Giddyup, cowboys!)
Learn about intersectionality. If you only care about rich, white women, or women that you’re related to, you’re not doing it right. A good place to start is So You Want to Talk About Race, by Ijeoma Oluo.
Know that learning about feminism and how to support women is an ongoing practice! You don’t have to be perfect; I know I’m not. I’ve always considered myself a feminist, and I’m still learning tons every day. A great method of widening your perspective is by reading stories by talented women, especially women of color. Here are a few that I love: Hunger, by Roxane Gay, Sister Outsider, by Audre Lorde, and We Should All Be Feminists, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
March and protest with us. Make noise. (The only men I know who went to Women’s Marches are dads of daughters. Which is great, but come on dudes! You can’t wait until you have a daughter to give a shit about women’s rights.)
Stop framing access to reproductive care as a “women’s issue.” You came out of a vag, right? This affects us all. (And while we’re at it, let’s stop talking about violence against women as a “women’s issue.” Straight up, that is a men’s issue.)
Wonderin’ why I’m writing about access to family planning services and healthcare? Because reproductive freedom is financial freedom. Sure I can talk about the investment gap with all the untethered energy of a day-trader on his 5th morning can of Red Bull, but none of this shit matters to the teenager in North Dakota who is force-fed an abstinence-only sex education in high school (lol) and then later denied access to abortion by (white, male) state policymakers. If I want better financial outcomes for all women, well then I have no choice but to fight for easy, free access to reproductive services.
Access to birth control significantly increases a woman’s earning power and narrows the gender pay gap. Further, there has been a significant decrease in poverty since women have had access to the pill. But there is still so much work to do. Nearly two-thirds of the people working in minimum wage jobs in this country are women. (So, enough with the minimum wage jobs as a “stepping stone” bullshit. It is the lack of reasonable help that traps women in poverty, not women’s lack of effort.) Minimum wage workers are often without access to reliable or affordable healthcare, reproductive or otherwise.
Oh, and 60% of women who get abortions already have a kid, and do so because they believe it’s in the best financial interest of the kid they already have.
The constant attack on women’s reproductive rights feels a lot like an attack on a woman’s ability to control her own destiny, by a political belief system with a very narrow, broken idea of what a woman’s life should look like. We’re scared for the freedom of our sisters to live a life they choose, and I hope you’re scared too. We should all be scared.
A strong collective male voice could make all the difference in bettering the lives of the women, financial and otherwise. More than ever before, we need a raucous majority, and we can’t have that without men. So please: Do it for women. Do it because we’re all in this together. Do it for the joy of having babies when we want to have babies. For all that is sacred in this world, do it for raw-doggin’ pussy free from consequences. (Except STDs. Be careful, fuckers.)
Now, GO ON! Share this with the men in your life!!! xo, Raw Doggy